Brit's Irish policy, 1801-1916(sorry Huge)

'nuff said.

uggs should be banned........

........and also burned.

Nico, a pirates of the Carribean spin off........

Thought i'd bring y'all up to date on the Nicky situation........Max and I leapt in our pirate ship and set sail for home, or somewhere we could make a home, with our outstanding wenches. As we cruised by the coast of a hithertho unknown coastline, fuel waned and we were forced to shore. There we met some terrified inhabitants, who told us of a wild-man living amongst the mountains nearby. They had obtained, from the beast's lair, an incriminating photograph; it was Nico........

They were a funny, angry and holy looking bunch so, fearing for nico's safety, we volunteered to take him away with us, if we could find him. The predominately female population pointed towards a mountain where he dwelled; and we set off.

Finding Nico proved to be simple, we just followed the trails of violated-looking sheep and discarded sketch-pads,eventually ending up at his lair;

An understandably bedraggled Nico greeted us, along with his pregnant(again) wife,

Their wild appearences scared us at first but Nico looked so ridiculously pathetic that we hadda rescue them and kick it down to the Swift.

The villagers saw us off enthusiastically and we set sail for new horizons.

Although Nico was no longer in danger he was restless on the boat, his art an the land were calling to him. Him and the wife escaped one night on a motorbike and pegged it off down the road. He sent
word off of his well-being(the last we heard of him) and a self-

portrait of him and his wife enjoying life together.

Me Max and Nico..........

Exiled from Ireland, me Max and Nico had set sail for the Carribean, aboard our stolen ship, the Swift, and under our stolen Pirate flag.


Seeing as we already had the ship and flag we decided to become Pirates. Nicks cowardice meant we couldn't attack ships, instead we preyed on those who dwell on the beach, sunbathers. This proved to be lucrative and a laugh. This bald man Max and I killed simply because he was bald. Some fought back or mocked us, like this motherfuck here that insulted my official Pirate luminous top. I overpowered him and then, with the same giant wooden spoon from the original, scooped out all his insides. We even started our own line of Tee-shirts and underpants which still grosses 79billion dollars a day.

As Pirates do, we made tons of buddies and even started a rugby team(Nick's idea, the fag) these pictures are just a taste of our super fantastic Pirate lifestyle.

Eventually, as you do, we tired of the hectic Pirate lifestyle, the murder and pillaging didn't have the same appeal anymore. Max and Meself searched for some wenches, with whom we would begin Pirate families. Max picked up this pirate and woman ensemble at one of the beaches we attacked, this is the pose she greeted us with(probably saved her life). I bagged the most beautiful woman in the world, Natalie Portman, she's Pirate to the bone......met her at one of our ultra-deadly pirate parties.

Nick on the other-hand was the first to leave, to follow a childhood dream of being an artist. As you can see from this self-portrait it was a mammoth waste of time, took him 12 years to draw. The depression that ensued drove him to the drink(there he is)................. He married a sheep(That's them there) and it gave birth to a lovely sheep-boy(that's it there).

This last picture is of our recent reunion with an unidentified fourth member.

Hugh, Eric and their child.

In the very likely event that Local Sugar puff Monster, Eric(shown below left) and the Kermit the frog motherfucker, Hugh(below right) engage in Muppet relations this here animal could result....................Note the striking resemblance between the three, we can only hope those two sort things out and produce one of these things, perhaps aided by alcohol, sesame street porn and a bit of grit and determination.

Kermit the frog Motherfucker and

Local Sugar Puff Monster

Me, Sociology and that free bar.

Disillusioned, as I was, with life following a torrid day at work on Tuesday comparing that nights dual broadcasts did not appeal to me, but I done it anyway and somehow managed 2100 words about their comparisons and contrasts on Wednesday morning merging with early afternoon.

Headed to the cathair for a couple of brews to celebrate, initially went to the Conradh but got dragged over to the Village where I experienced something fabled in Myth and Legend; a free bar. TG4, the fools, footed the bill as meself and my vocalists, Cathal and Máckaí drained them, literally sucking the life blood outta the place.

Having told Nick to join us originally, I then lied to him, saying the jig was up, a selfish act on my part which, nevertheless, guaranteed impecable and instant bar service from our token Eastern European bar-man. Ran into my Irish teacher from College, Antaine O'Fearacháin who threatened me with failing the Course if I continued to boycott his class at the ungodly hour of 9 on a wednesday morning.

I tried to explain it to him, 'but, Antaine, your class is shit,' unfortunately the big man wasn't inebriated in the least bit and I'm told he wasn't impressed in the least bit neither, fuck him!!!

Eventually Máckaí was summoned home and me and Cathal, in search of company(we get lonely ridiculously easily and regularly) fluttered over to the Conradh to graze. Initial reservations at the door in relation to letting us in were surpassed and two pints were placed in front of us(still don't know where they came from?!).

Much banter ensued as crazy Cathal let it rip, drenching the poor establishment with his intestinal fluids(I didn't see it but I'm told it was outstanding). I was hailed from the ground-floor to care for him, I nurtured the drunken squirrel as he unleashed a tirade of abuse which, if repeated here would cause your eyes to melt(dinna remeber anyhow). Eventually I gave up trying to calm him and chain-smoked twenty Marlboro to quell the rising tide of anxiety spurred on by relentless threats of police intervention. Having been thrown out and barred(and now un-barred,Hooray!!) there was nothing more for us to do but Cathal didn't see it that way.

I managed to force him to the gate and beyond and the Conradh was able to lock its hallowed gates. I defended my buddy, as he assaulted the gate with great fury, from passer-by's comments by verbally attacking and flicking d'old smoke butts at the motherfucks. At last Cathal, rather inevitably, fell asleep on the ground allowing me the precious chance to bundle his ass into a taxi and make a suave exit from town.

Distributed his behind at his gaff and strolled home singing Hanson and vandalising the odd Gaff too.

Monday Mornin Blues

Last night, as I sipped not one but 11 bottles of Miller and a couple of pints o' da black stuff, the ramifications seemed not only worth it, but something to strive for. Me Mother woke my drunken self at 7:58 in the A.M to go to the Motherfuckin' Dentist. I went to that shit and all he done was tell me what I already know,'eh.....ye....that tooth is broken', he threw in a bill for $140(not dollars....Euro, theres no sign for yoyos on this lame-ass machinebox) and made some snide comment about me alcoholic breath(tic-tacs dint work). If that shit aint enough for a Monday morning, gotta bus straight from el dentistro and ended up here 45 minutes early and, having forgotten d'old student I.D hadda fork out another 2 squids ta get a pass for the library, day aint near over yet neither..................oh and little Aislin's still got the schnifflez.

Sound, I'm off t'Irish.

Congratulations Sugar Puff Monster

Local Sugar Puff Monster, Eric, racked up a massive ten comments/questions as he rattled an otherwise indifferent S.Ryan in Sociology this week. While remaining passive to the dickhead of a lecturers bullshit this reporter lent an ear to the barrage offered by the cuddly Tipperary man as he celebrated his Birthday in some style, with an intellectual invasion. Happy Birthday Sugar Puff Monster, Happy Birthday.

Whatever happened to hide and go seek?

Hide and go seek was such an integral part of so many kids lives growing up but a lack of initiative on everyone's part has allowed it to shrink away into a curious demise. Okay so you might say,'what's so curious about the demise, 'we ain't young no more' but surely the game could only get better now that we're older...........Taking the original, brilliant game and supplementing it with adult vices couldn't fail to grant it a new lease of life.'But how' I hear you ask. Take for instance alcohol, surely it would increase not only the importance of the game, but also the pace and urgency at which it is played. Not only would it contribute to a more physical approach(thus appealing to Australians) but the ensuing violence can't fail to maintain healthy television ratings.The introduction of gambling and in-game forfeits could also lead to specialised media coverage and and a wider audience, playing-base and market. The game would naturally evolve with the new added interest and proffesionally organisedgames, becoming bigger, bolder and faster. How many of us, given the choice, would have joined Hind and go seek teams at a young age instead of the norm?

Let's bring it back, let's throw guns, sex and cars into the mix and let's have a fucking great time!

Coming second in a race with a bus but pretending you weren't actually chasing it in the first place.

While gangster leaning at the back of the second floor of my comutitron3000(The old bus) this morning I perked up considerably, as did most of the bus crowd, when I saw a desperate flurry of arms and legs scrambling down the road in cold pursuit of a lost cause, the Bus. When they realised they weren't going no where on this bus they pretended they hadn't wanted to get the bus at all, in fact they were only joggin.....in their suit and tie with their briefcase. He slowed from red in the face puffing sprinter to carefree early-morning stroller in a transformation that singularly failed to fool any of us. He surprisingly didn't do a warmdown and/or stretch, I bet he regrets that now.

Me, Max and Nick; Pirates of the Carribean.

Sitting in the canteen yesterday the three of us; Me, Max and Nick formulated a plan to escape not only the rigours of daily college life but of Irish life in general. Having briefly considered the honourable thing, hara-kiri, plunging swords into our collective abdomens, instead we settled on the hijacking of Irish Ferries flag-ship, the Swift. After hours of research and carefully thought out tactics we decided the best way to steal would be to pose as would-be backpackers and bludgeon the captain on the back of the head with a giant wooden spoon. We would then produce our own captain, Ian(stolen from college) who would initially navigate until we reached levels of similar proficiency, he would then be murdered bloodily. Having acquired the ship and relied on Irelands lack of initiative to make our escape, we would set a course for the Carribean, thus completing the latter part of our name,'.....the Carribean'. Once there we would engage in wholesale piracy ending with our to be fabled demise amidst the brothels and booze of Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands. Anything to get outta college.

Motherfuckin' Socia-crappa-lology

Peep this journo buddies, that dude S.Ryan is a knobjockey. Wat the fuck is up his hole?(wait dont answer that i'll tell you)Him! He went on an expidition up there as a child and the dude never came back. Public sphere?! Its like he makes this shit up as he goes along, dont make no sense. So we get back at him in little ways, now and then;' example?' I heard someone scream. Relax I was gettin to it. Some dialogue from recent Socia-crappa-lology lecture.

Nick: Single or double staple.

S.Ryan: I prefer single staple.

John:(in a low conspiring voice)Ye, like the one in his ear!

John and Aisling laughed, well whisper-laughed,S.Ryan 0 John 1.

Local Sugar Puff Monster,Eric, seems to have got the hang of things. Dude just made up his own word in the lecture! Infotainment?! Its not quite information and it aint entertainment its stuck in the middle like ham in a sandwich(a ham sandwich). Needless to say Kudos were flowing from S.Ryan who devoured the word and re-gurgitated it at every opportunity.

In short; That Dude's a dickhead!

Ramblings of a drunken kind.

Yesterday John went to my house and found a 70 year old israeli guy sitting in the living room with no lights on wearing a Finnish Olympic tracksuit. John then proceeded to hand a book over which was meant to be passed on to me. I didnt get it. Sup wit dat? Why wasn't I there? Cos I was doing Israeli 'Martial Arts' with(i dont know his name) Dude be nimble tho. And what about John I hear you ask really loudly? John got pro evolution 6 yesterday and played it with buddy/lover Cathal before goin to the Conradh and gettin wasted. asdf jkl; asdf jkl; this may look random but is in fact the foundation of all things typed. Ths is the word of the Ballinteerbandit I defy anyone to object.asdf jkl; asdf jkl;.................word..................to ya muthaz.

Uggs bugs us!

Fuckin uggs! Eskimo gobshites strolling around in furry boots all year round! Its a goddamn epidemic! Dont even snow here! More later.....................

Sugar Puff Monsters On The Loose!

Sugar Puff Monster attacks are rare but ferocious, these fellas may look cute and cuddly but savage lurks within. Me and my man-servant, Max, demand that measures be taken to stifle the rising Sugar Puff Monster population having been attacked ourselves whilst gangster-leaning by our local 24/7 convenience store. Though we overpowered it and then had our way with it, the experience affected us greatly. These furry-yellow motherfuckers gotta be stopped. BallinteerBandit calls for stricter anti-Sugar Puff Monster regulations.

A story, about Hughs feet.

Yo so check this me and my man Hughbert went cruisin for foot-gloves(shoes) on Wednesday. You aint gonna believe this shit. Brought his ass to Size?(retro shoes and crap...) Dude saw these shoes he digged,said 'Yo this shits fly,I would like these in size 12'. Dude just laughed , might aswell have called Hugh a clown, turns out they dont make shoes for freaks. You cant get size 12! Hugh is a monster! Watch out for that shit................!

Skangers and skaters unite!

The equivalent of gangsters in Ireland and the universal skater stereotype have united to create a common front in the struggle for East and West Ballinteer and control of the ever important church car-park. For years the car-park has been seen as a haven for local devil-worshipers(Gothic people!) but since the close down of nearby Shell filling station the Skangers have drifted North in search of new pastures, the ensuing struggle continues but has escalated into impromptu 'slagging matches'(Rap battles,Irish style). For example ,'I had your Ma', typical Irish greeting, the utterance of this phrase results in dialogue too extreme for this page. Likened to the Great War or 'World War 1' the battle usually ends before it begins. They usually travel with the skangers strolling in the middle of the path, flanked by both the BMXers and the skaterboyz thus re-creating the classic pincer movement, almost german like in its efficiency. Children born into this new order are doomed from the start, families divided, hearts broken and an over-riding sense of despair. Suggestions encouraged and welcomed